My short trip up to Atlanta to spend time with Pops and Nano has come to an end and I am back to my own reality now. In reflecting on my 3 short days with Pops I am left with some mixed emotions. I have so much gratitude and love. I also have a lot of anger and sadness.
I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with Pops over the last few days. I am my dad's only little girl, therefore, we have always had a close and special relationship. We also have very similar personalities which has sealed our bond since we mostly agree with each other. We have the same little personality quirks, too. For example, we "think" we are funny, organized, always right, and have the best methods of doing something, so other people should do things that way too. We also like a lot of the same things in life like traveling, food and any physical/athletic challenge. Even sitting with Pops this weekend when he could barely speak or hold his head up I was reminded of how similar we still are. He is still very strong minded about what he wants and how he wants things. And, he still had his sense of humor. I was telling him how good he looked and he said something and we couldn't understand him... then finally we figured out he was telling me that I was a "fibber" for telling him he looked good. It was nice to see glimpses of my daddy through all of the cancer and medication. I will never forget our times together this weekend just sitting holding hands or when his eyes would open and light up when he recognized me. This will be added to the heaps of memories that make him my dad. And, I know his will remain alive as long as I keep being myself... and just look at my brother, who looks just like him!! My kids also remind me of him too, which is really special to see.
With all of that, I am also struggling with a lot of anger and hurt about my dad's cancer and what it is doing to him and our family. Seeing my larger than life dad fading away physically and mentally has been so hard to deal with. The man who ran 13 half marathons, 10k's, walked 60 miles in 3 days for breast cancer and walked 200 miles across Northern England in the last 3 years is now confined to a chair with oxygen tubes and unable to speak well enough to be understood. It is heartbreaking. And, what's worse is that my mom and brother are there having to take care of him. And, it's not easy to do this while still preserving his dignity. He still has the same determination, so while that has always been a real asset for him, now it just makes it more difficult to care for him. Anyone who has had to witness or caretake someone dying of cancer understands what I mean. Even with Hospice services, things day to day, hour to hour are so difficult. It makes me so angry and sad, and I am not even the one on the front lines.
Nano and I went to the funeral home yesterday and planned Pops' Memorial Service. Actually, we spoke with Pops about what he wanted about a month ago and so combined that with what Nano wanted we were able to plan a beautiful service. My mom is such an amazing woman. Her strength in the face of loosing her husband of nearly 42 years and her best friend is astounding. She has faith and that along with her supportive family and friends will help her through this. She just needs to let others help! She is such a wonderful caretaker, but she is going to need a lot of support.
Please keep your prayers coming. And, your messages/comments too. Your friendship, love and support means so much to our family. Thank you.
